A Beach Bum's View by Gary Becker Treasure Island Florida

Gulf Beach News

To our new City Manger

We here on Treasure Island have a new City Manager. Congratulations, Mr. Ralph Stone on being selected our new City Manger. It’s good to see a neighbor get ahead.

Now that you have had several days to settle into your new position, there are a few things here on Treasure Island I believe you should address immediately. I realize you have lived here for 10 years but I have been here longer and I would like you to benefit from my experiences.

1. Contact the bridge keeper on the Johns Pass Bridge and tell him or her to stop raising the bridge every time they see me driving towards the bridge. I don't mind getting caught by the bridge every once in a while, but every time I try to cross it? I believe this is some sort of conspiracy trying to keep me from either leaving or returning to Treasure Island,. most likely the latter.

2. Convince the sole remaining Canadian driver left on the beach to return to the great white north for the remainder of the summer. I know he's still here because he pulled out in front of me the other day and proceeded at the break neck speed of 20 mph in the left lane of Gulf Blvd.

3. Place a loud speaker in the exact change lane of the Toll Booth. Once you have arranged for the speaker, then please make a recorded message to be played every time someone pulls up to the coin catcher and realizes they do not have exact change. The message should go something like this. "Thank you very much for attempting to visit and or leave Treasure Island. Prior to returning, would you please take some reading lessons so that you will fully understand the term "Exact Change" and not force all those people lined up behind you to waste their precious few moments on Earth waiting for you to figure out how you are going to turn that Five dollar bill into two quarters."

4. Please turn down the volume on the Clock Tower. If you haven't noticed by now, you will shortly, that when you ask anyone on this Island a question the first response is "What?"

5. Can you please do something about our local drugstore? The checkout line moves so slowly that the store needs to be open 24 hours so you can check out the same day you entered the store.

6. Can you find out why when I drive by the local gas station and I don't need any gas the place is empty and none of the pumps are being used but when I have to stop for gas the place is jammed and all the pumps are in use?

7. How about an ordinance requiring that you actually have money in your account before using an ATM so I don't have to stand in line while some hapless tourist goes through 10 credit cards trying to find someone who will give him $20.

8. Can you please do something about the microphones at the televised meetings? When a “soft talker” speaks I have to turn up the volume on my television in order to hear what is being said. Of course the next speaker will be a “loud talker” shattering windows and sending the local wildlife running for their lives.

9. Lastly, I would ask you to do something nobody on the current Commission does anymore. Say, “Hello, how are you doing?” when you are among us peasants who by the way, pay the bills around here.

I'm sure there will be those in this community who will tell you that there are more important issues that need to be dealt with than the ones listed here. I'll give you one long afternoon in line at the Toll Booth, drugstore, ATM, gas line and you'll start seeing things my way.